It takes time to heal, to be no longer broken. And it takes work, being honest with yourself. Brutal honesty and willingness to change.
Let me tell you a little story, which was such a profound moment in my life. A small moment, but so strong. It changed me!
The day I got divorced, I was sitting with my attorney and advocate in a boardroom finalising the paperwork. My attorney looked up at me at one point and said to me, “Monya, you are never allowed to get married again”. He had a bit of a blank expression on his face. I looked up, not sure how to respond, and started laughing before I asked him, “Why”? Now, at that point in my life, I had no desire to get married again and was far from ready to trust a partner in my life again. But his comment felt so random, and I was curious about it. So, I asked “why”. He answered me with “If you ever think about getting married again, first call me and let’s go through your divorce file over coffee. Let me remind you what you have been through.” I don’t quite remember my response, but I think it was an odd laugh. In the end, I understood what he meant, and those words stayed with me.
Life during the divorce was a mess, and even after it was finalised, it took a bit of time to just settle. Sometime after that day, I thought about it again. And I have many times since. I realised he, as many attorneys do, saw women like me repeat patterns. Side note, I do take my hat off to people in the legal field. They do see the worst of humanity. Let’s face it, if we all lived with a high sense of morality, would there be a need for a legal system? Back to repeating patterns. Once in an abusive/toxic relationship, it’s likely a woman will keep repeating the pattern. A different human with a different name, but roughly the same type of abuse/toxic-ness. Now, I am writing from a woman’s perspective. However, abuse/toxic relations do go across both genders. And we tend to see it with women more than of men. But it does happen to both genders.
Breaking patterns. I knew I had to change, break the pattern. To break it, you need to identify it!
One of the best books I read at that time was “Woman who love to much by Robin Norwood” (and the book does deal with both genders). Identifying the pattern, breaking it, goes far back. Further than the last failing relationship. It takes time to identify, break and heal. For a lot of people, the wounds go back to childhood. We need to identify it and heal from it. Most importantly, do not get stuck there! It takes honesty, deep honesty with yourself.
The most difficult thing for humans to do, is to be honest with themselves.
Dr Gabor Mate explains trauma well. He says trauma is not the event that happened, but the way we respond to the event, which is the trauma. We cannot undo the event, but we can heal from the trauma (the way we respond to it emotionally). Which also comes back to what I said earlier about not getting stuck on the event in the past. Acknowledge the event and the trauma and find healing.
We all deal with life’s events differently. The same thing can happen to two different people, and they will respond in very different ways. This is because we are all different, unique, with different histories and frameworks. Sometimes we can steer through the trauma alone and heal. And other times we need a bit of help.
Whatever path you go on, be willing and open to change. To heal will change you.
keep letting go
keep letting go
even your awakening
even your realisation
Poem by Elena Brower
